(She) was thirty years and running when (she) found (her) way back home,
Riding a storm across the mountains, and an aching in (her) heart,
Said (she) came to turn the pages and to make a brand new start.
John Denver, “Wild Montana Skies”
As I mentioned about a month ago, I took a break in order to think. Here’s what I’ve been thinking about.
A year ago I joint the team of Maglia-Uncinetto.it, to write mainly about Tunisian crochet, my favourite technique. In 12 months I wrote 23 posts about Tunisian crochet: books’ reviews, lists of patterns to be found online, and technical articles (hopefully, my best works). There are 2 posts I’m particularly proud of: the one where I introduced a table of TC stitches’ names in Italian (and English), compiled with Veruska, and the one dedicated to the technique’s history, for which I did a pretty long research.
In the meantime, I projected and published 14 patterns for TC accessories; in March I founded, with Veruska, Facebook group “Tunisino, uncinetto di-vino“, which in less than a year got up to almost 3000 members; also, I kept this blog constantly updated, publishing reviews about books and hooks, and general opinions too.
Basically, I tried to spread my passion for this technique, and I believe I did a rather good job.
But… but, there’s a but: since last Autumn, I’m not so happy about what I do in this context, which means online.
During my break, between old and new year, I focused on the problems. I started by asking myself: I started these projects for… what?
Sheer ambition? No. I’ve never been an ambitious person. Did I want to try and be a crochet designer and/or teacher to make up my wages? Maybe. Money would be handy, of course, but I soon understood I had neither the physical nor the mental ability to fulfill today’s market’s requests for these activities – not in order to earn something worthy. So I did it for a sense of revenge? To show people that didn’t believe in me, that somehow hurt me, that I could do something valiant too? Maybe. Did I want to delude myself thinking I was part of a lovely environment of creative people, with great inputs to make me grow, at a technical level? Maybe.
Did I do it for the sake of the technique, to get more people to know it, to help remove its “poor relative”‘s nuance constantly following it? Yes.
And like that, all of a sudden I found myself in an elevated position from the average enthusiast, a position that saw me bestowing suggestions, opinions and illuminations, after a brief time of more than hard studying.
I kept tilting at windmills, committing myself, doing my best to convince my readers to approach Tunisian crochet.
What did I fight against, I’m wondering? Who did I fight against? I haven’t figured this out yet, but I figured out something: I’m tired.
I don’t feel the yearning that got me on this road a year and a half ago.
The fire might burn again, but so far, it’s estinguished. I may be burnout after having done too much (for my standards), maybe I’m disappointed because I was expecting something different from the so-called “creative” world in general. Maybe I simply understood that I should have changed to become a part of that world.
And I have no intention to change.
I belong to my city, to my valleys, to my mountains (and to the sea, always in my heart)… to my people.
During last Summer something unexpected (not even hoped!) started to happen; this led to some big changes in my life, in just a few months. I had the chance to take parte to some projects about the mountains, for the mountains, with special and important people I love very much.
I’m not gonna earn anything from this, in material terms, but I’ll be able to really do something for the places I love. Dedicating myself to something I know and with which I have a special bound gave me the chance to feel an enormous sense of joy and satisfaction, with no stress at all. Such a difference from the negativity that kept me company when I had to publish a pattern or a post! What a relief, to be able to be myself without having to “keep up” with the public’s expectations! How nice, to feel at home!
Now I know I have to concentrate on these projects, dedicating all my free time, my energies and my intellectual capacities to them.
I’m not saying I won’t deal with Tunisian crochet anymore, and I’m not gonna leave Maglia-Uncinetto.it’s team, nor my FB group. Most of my attention, though, will be elsewhere.
I’ll keep crocheting and knitting, of course – not only that, I intend to learn a new craft! But, my more “professional” side will be focused on something else.
I spent more than a year trying to understand if I was a determined kind of person, and if I wanted a determined kind of life. I understood that I’m not such a person, and I don’t want such a life, and on the way I got the proof I wanted: I am who I thought I was.
Now it’s time to think about myself, finally.